Rick and Barry
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick grows tired of Beth being an annoying woman and instead has a son.


Rick is sweating prefusely outside while smoking groaning at the heat and goes to go inside. As he brings in the assorment of hookah untensils, and a few other things Beth yells from the other room.

"Take the dog out dad!"

Rick groans even harder and kicks the dog outside and goes back to bringing things in. As he does in one of those steps Beth holds up the dog and it has shit all over his face.

"The dog has shit all over his face because YOU werent watching him! You should have to bathe him!"

"Really Beth? I...(belch) I just got done bringing like five things in going back and fourth and you're going to blame me for not survelliencing your stupid canine who doesn't know he shouldn't wipe his face in shit? I...if a doctor told you your child would be so mentally handicapped he's liable to rub his face in shit you'd abort it no questions asked. But when the dog does it somehow someone else is to blame! I gotta make myself a drink..."

As he goes to crack ice cube trays Beth says "put them in the ziplock bag and make sure to fill up the tray!"

He sighs a small groan and does that but the ice cubes fall right on his toes.

"OW FUCK!!"

He punches the fridge and Beth yells from the other room. "What happened?"

"The fuck did you think happened Beth?! Your stupid want for me to do ice trays a specific way caused some to drop and fall right on my toe! At that velocity and the ice cube's density im pretty sure its gonna be soar as your cliterus tomorrow...FUCK!!!"

"Well thats why you're supposed to do it over the kitchen counter LIKE I SAID"

"Yeah NOT genius of the family I did that...but hey why not just make that another stupid ritual to add to the list?"

Beth walks into the room and stares Rick down right in the eye.

"You got some nerve dad. Here we take you in after you abandoned us, you don't work, I know damn well nearly everything you do is a violation of some intergalactic law...is that even booze?! Or is it some weird...space potion made of cocaine and children's dreams?!"

"Beth we both know I haven't drank that shit in years..."

"My rituals as you call them are there to keep this house clean, orderly, and functional...something you wouldn't know anything about!"

"NO you're just a neurotic woman and without an alpha male to plow your pussy CONSTANTLY you get erratic and take on erratic behaivor to try and make some semlence of a structured environment because theres no caveman around to tell you go pick berries and scratch his back."

Morty walks by.

"I...isnt that pretty much what mom said only you said it more negatively?"

"Ofcourse it is Morty! You know thats why I get banned online! Now help grandpa cleanup all these ice cubes..."

As they pick them up Rick squints over at Beth and mutters "Jesus even Jerry can be less annoying sometimes..."

Beth gasps, tears up and runs away. Rick rolls his eyes and groans.

"Great now I have THAT to deal with. Morty you're incharge of picking up these icecubes...grandpa has...a mistake he needs to go fix."

"K..."

Morty is in his room reading Spiderman sighing

"Oh Spiderman I can relate to you so well a...as an angst teenager wondering what his place in the world is. You know...except for the fact I dont have super powers... or a grandfather who taught me right from wrong...or a hot redheaded wife even though thats exactly...you know what? Fuck you Spiderman."

Some muscular blonde haired opens the door.

"Hey Hey Morty! Wanna go outside and toss the ball around? I got an hour before the Twins take on the Red Socks and i wanna stay in the zone!"

Morty cringes

"Who...who the hell are you?!"

The blone dude rolls his eyes.

"Ok haha...it wasnt funny when Jerry did it, or Summer, and the dog kept barking at me. I know dad likes to play some twisted pranks but we all know I'm your father...father(s)...whatever. Just say so if you don't wanna play ball geez."

He closes the door. Morty stares vacantly at it.

"I wish my biggest problem was Dr.Octopus trying to kill me..."

Morty comes down stairs and sees Rick sitting next to the blonde dude abd Jerry in the other chair. Rick waves

"Hey Morty! Come watch the pre-game with us! There's nachos and dip over there!"

Morty walks over to Rick.

'Rick what did you do now? Di...did you erase mom from time and space? Did you..."

"Don't be stupid Morty that'd cause a chain of paradoxes I am NOT in the mood to deal with what with my bruised toe..."

He shows his foot to Morty and wiggles his toe and Morty looks away.

"Jesus Rick put your smelly feet away!"

"All I did (belch...) was genetically reconfigure Beth's dna, implanted sone false memories...and she's Barry now!"

"Barry?! You...you changed my mom into some macho surfer looking guy named Barry?!"

Jerry leans over.

"Rick told me all about it champ and said he was so proud I managed to be less annoying he'd name the son he always wanted after me in a word play!"

"You knew?! How are you ok with this?!"

Rick takes a drink of his flask.

"It's no differrent than coming to terms with a tranny...Geez Morty its 2017. Be a little open minded."

Morty shaked and runs flailing his arms.

"SUMMER!!!"

He finds Summer.

"Summer..."

"Yeah I know Morty...grandpa Rick has gone too far this time but I have an idea!"

Jerry is eating nachos, dip all over his face and Morty and Summer walk over staring at him with arms crossed. First Summer speaks.

"Got a lot of dip on your face dad...you gonna wipe it off?"

Jerry squints his eyes and goes for another nacho.

"What if im not? What if I LIKE not having your mother around to call me a pig and threaten not to have sex for me for leaving crumbs on the floor?"

Morty shakes his head sarcastically.

"Gee wiz Summer its no use...I guess dad just likes hot dip all over his face. I mean...I mean it is 2017 you know? We better just get used to things being this way from now on."

"Wha...what?"

"Yeah Morty I mean that was so cruel of mom to threaten not to sleep with dad over some stupid crumbs. I'm sure Barry totally won't mind putting his big Barry dick up dad's butt."

"In...in my butt?"

"Summer comeon! Rick's smart enough to think ahead of that! Barry is probably...probably a sub and will want dad to put his penis in HIS butt! You know...get that poopy butthole all lubricated so he hardly even feels the hair knotting against his foreskin!"

Jerry whimper, tosses the nachos up in the air, and goes running for Rick. Summer and Morty both smile and nod.

Later on Summer sees Jerry sweeping the carpet of the nachos.

"So im guessing mom is back to normal..."

"Actually...Summer...Rick convinced me to and I quote: stop being a pussy unless ofcourse it's dat boy pussy. He made sure to tell you to emphasize the dat and that it'll take a heck of a lot more than a fear of anal sex to get him to go back on this one. Women suck..."

"Ugh!!!"

Summer stomps her feet as she walks away and Jerry continues to sweep.

This goes on for a few weeks of Barry. Morty actually gets used to it and plays ball with Barry laughing. Summer catches the ball with her bare hand.

"Really Morty?"

"Oh geez Summer comeon. Barry is pretty cool! I don't get told to study just to turn around and get grounded when I make a D after studying... Barry doesn't care if the chores get done, half of which involve the damn dog because maternal instincts only apply to small cute things. And honestly im a little more confident. Barry told me Jessica is just a dumb slut whose gonna endup pregnant in two years and endup being a worse mom than Beth was."

"She is not BETH she is our mom!!!"

"Whatever Summer... its not my fault genetics rolled some poor dice on you so you're stuck being an insipid compulsive woman who acts on emotion unless ofcourse that emotion involves a man who has shown any sign of weakness...give my ball."

Summer grits her teeth and clenches her fist. Rick cracks his knuckles and goes to type.

"Wew laddy! Time to shit post on /pol/! I...wait im banned? How the fuck did that happen when this is a brand new IP?"

Barry walks by...

"Oh that was me. I figured you were the one trolling /pol/ and...you know...terms and conditions. As you know too only a man would be motivated enough to actually put in the work to spend hours a day going through posts to delete and ban IPs. No way a fucking woman would be that dedicated to their social hierarchy. I'll unban you when you stop being a faggot. Oh wait you can't because you literally MAKE faggots! Haha! I'm so funny...wheres Morty? I wanna show him my the panty shots I took of his female classmates whilst imposing my own morality on guys like you. Cause it was ultimately a man that invented Abrahamic faiths and those faiths once secularized paved the way for the modern godless version of neo-Protestantism that makes modetators like me possible today!"

Rick's eye fidgets and pulls out a laser pistol that makes a low screeching noise and Summer gets infront of it.

"Grandpa! Just turn Barry back into mom!"

"Oh right I can do that...but I want Barry here to be fully conscious as I take away his personhood just like he did me."

Rick shoots him right in the leg and he drops.

"You like that you moderator bitch?! Now come with me into my lab."

Rick drags Barry and Barry is screaming for Jerry to come help but Jerry is sound asleep naked in bed, covered in nacho crumbs and the dog is peeing right on the carpet.

When Barry is Beth again everything seems back to normal. Beth has no recollection of events and knows she's bed ridden from a broken leg. She looks around.

"How...did I get this broken leg and minor concussion?"

Summer, Morty, and Jerry fidget and grow nervous but Rick yells.

"It was those stupid ice trays Beth! You missed one that fell, you slipped, and you fell! Why do you think I get so pissed?!"

"Wow...sorry dad. Maybe I can afford to be a little less neurotic. I'm sorry."

Summer squints her eyes at Morty.

"Men are better than women huh?"

"Only because men can use their talents and work ethic for evil Summer...now excuse me while as a man I have to build up the courage to ask some slut out, get rejected, than come home and get banned if I want to vent about it. Seeya."


End file.
